Mastering The Power of Persuasion Is Easier Than You Think by Madeline Frank, Ph.D.

My favorite quote is from Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay cosmetics, “Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, ‘Make me feel important.’ Never forget this message when working with people.”

 

The greatest leaders and persuaders of all time understand that respect is the key that opens a closed mind. When you treat everyone with respect, whether their job is working a toll gate, waiting tables, janitor, cashier, entrepreneur, politician, President, or CEO. Treat them with respect and courtesy. 

 

Think of someone you have met who was truly interested in your opinion, or asked you about yourself…and truly listened (instead of thinking about what they were going to say). It made you feel pretty good. 

 

Here are a few tactics that may help you sharpen your communication and become a master of persuasion:

 

Concise and clear thinking: 

Bob Berg talks about the “3 P’s of Positive Persuasion”. Take a deep breath- and be polite, patient and persistent.” I would also add tact, which is the successful execution of politeness.

 

Politeness disarms most people’s biases and begins the relationship building process on a good note. No one was ever upset about doing business with someone who they liked too much due to their politeness. 

 

What would happen if you approached every situation with politeness? Entering a meeting with a sincere smile, wrapped in positive expectation will separate you from 95% of the others this person deals with all day long.

 

Play the game of unexpected kindness:

A student of mine’s mother was driving her van filled with her children on a busy road when a driver suddenly pulled in front of her, missing her car by inches. Instead of cursing at the driver for nearly causing an accident, she smiled and blew a kiss at the driver. The driver looked back at her with a confused look on her face! (her children smiled as she was telling what happened.”

 

Her children learned a valuable lesson that day from their Mom.

 

Bob Burg, “Show patience when he or she is resistant to helping. It may be the way they’re used to doing things, living in the problems (“Can’t be done” or “Not our policy”) instead of the solutions. Or it may just be easier to try and discourage you so they don’t have to work too hard in order to earn their daily bread.”

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”- The Gambler, Kenny Rogers.

 

In other words, pick your battles! 

 

Patience means that not everything requires a response. You may be at complete odds with the person you are talking with, and may feel the need to lash out and have your opinion heard…but so do they. 

 

Maturity and patience will melt most communication barriers. It may mean that the other person needs to be heard and validated. They don’t necessarily want a solution; they just want to know that they matter. 

 

Listening to Others:

Dale Carnegie tells the story in his book Lincoln the Unknown about President Lincoln inviting an old friend to the White House to discuss the conflict between north and south. President Lincoln’s friend just listened to both sides of the conflict and then the President decided and thanked his friend for coming to listen. He then made his decision. Both sides knew that their ideas had been heard. 

 

Mike Robbins, speaker and author says, “By listening to others, you show them respect. You let them know that you care about what they’re saying and that you value their perspective.” 

 

Dale Carnegie’s second principle is “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

 

 Drs. Ken Blanchart and Spencer Johnson, authors of The One Minute Manager Knows, “Catch them in the act of doing something right.”

 

Bob Burg, “Verbally acknowledge it and them. Make sure everyone knows about the recognition.” (The Art of Persuasion, p118, by Bob Burg)

 

By acknowledging positive behavior, it gets repeated.

 

It’s about the beginning of building relationships. 

 

Bob Burg’s father, Mike Burg defined “Tact as the language of Strength.” 

 

Burg continues, “This may be the one concept that makes the biggest difference in your ability to persuade others to your way of thinking and attain the results you desire. It is known by several different words: diplomacy, delicacy, sensitivity, savoir-faire, and tact.”

Lincoln said, “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves”.

“This doesn’t usually come naturally. Someone tactful can soothe the feelings of the most difficult people; a tactless person will generally make a bad situation worse.” (Merriam-Webster)

 

It’s all about building relationships.

The other day, I was picking vegetables and an older man with tattoos all over came to stand beside me and started talking. 

I listened!

He shared that he was a retired Military officer with an ill wife. He just needed to talk and share what was on his mind. I just quietly listened for a few minutes. As we concluded the conversation, I could tell that he was more relaxed. We smiled and wished each other a good day. 

 

“Forget the Favor. Instead, Ask for Advice”.

Les Giblin “suggests asking someone for “advice” instead of a “favor.” 

Imagine that your neighbor works for a company that offers the ideal summer job for high school/college students. Your son or daughter would love to secure one of those coveted spots. You correctly feel it would be too presumptuous to simply walk up and ask him to get your kid a job so, instead, you ask him for advice. 

 

You and your son, Billy, meet with the neighbor and your son asks, “Mr. Smith, if you don’t mind my asking, if you were me and wanted to be considered for a summer job at the McJones Company, how would I go about it?” 

 

George, “who is now being asked for counsel, not a favor, might just recommend that Billy call his office on Monday and he’ll see what he can do—or maybe he will introduce Billy to the personnel manager via email and open the door by using him as a referral."

The worst thing that could happen is that your son goes through the hiring process and realizes that he is not qualified this year, but he has some action steps to take to be at the top of the line next year. 

 

Phrasing your request something similar to: “Phyllis, if you were me and were attempting to . . . how would you go about it?” Or “Joe, I’d like to get your opinion on something. What would you do if . . . ?”  will acknowledge the other person’s value and perceived expertise.” It also taps into most people’s desire to help others. 

 

Berg, “Request Instead of Order”

“If you really want to distinguish yourself from the masses, try making requests instead of issuing orders. A person who is used to being ordered to perform, such as a waitperson, staff member, hotel employee, etc., will go absolutely out of his way to serve you if you request his actions. Instead of saying to the waiter, “Bring us some more water,” or “We need water,” say, “When you get a chance, would you please bring us some more water?”

Burg continues, “Some people might think this would only delay getting the water. Actually, the opposite is true. Because you’ve made that person feel respected, you’ll be the first person he’ll want to make happy. Instead of an order, make it a request. Instead of, “Joe, make seven copies of these,” how about, “Joe, would you run seven copies of these for me, please?” Phrase your “order” in the form of a request and you’ll be Winning Without Intimidation both in the short and long-term.” 

 

Bob Burg: “Giblin’s Truth Serum”:

 Les Giblin in his book, How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing With People, “shows that the best way to help someone to act in a particular way is to let them “live up” to your opinion of them. He provides several wonderful examples of people who were trusted and lived up to the trust placed in them. “

 

“One story tells of a police officer who was consistently able to get “tough guys” to give him information by saying, “People tell me you have quite a reputation as a tough guy and that you’ve been in lots of trouble but there’s one thing you won’t do… You won’t lie. They say, if you tell me anything at all, it will be the truth—and that’s the reason I’m here.” Wow, talk about giving a person something to live up to!” 

 

Bob Burg, “As with the other methods we’ve been discussing, gear this one to your own unique circumstances, and use it often. Not just to see if it works—it works! —but to practice getting really good at making it work for you in a variety of situations. I couldn’t wait to try this one. My first opportunity was with a person attempting to locate some information for me.” 

 

Burg continues, “I had used her services before and she always did a good job. Not great, but good. She was having some trouble this particular time and I said to the person next to me, “I don’t know if this information can be found or not, but I’ll tell you this—if anyone can find it, she can.” 

 

Give them a compliment they can look up to!

 

Burg,” You can bet your boots she found it and now she goes out of her way for me whenever I need to stop by.” 

 

By being persistent you are letting “them know in a very kind, polite manner, that you’re not going away, and that it’s in their own best interest to help you.” Sometimes your persistence will be wrapped in charm, but when they know you will not cease until…they will likely be happy to help. (or not, but either way, they will assist you). 

 

What 5 ingredients will help you connect and persuade others?

1) Burg’s 3 P’s of Positive Persuasion: Be Polite, Patient, and Persistent. Tact is a successful execution of politeness! 

2) No matter what, “treat everyone with respect” and kindness!. When others need a smile, share yours.     (Also say good morning …..)

 3) “Ask for advice”, “ask for help,” or “ask for their opinion.”

  4)  Listen to others.

  5) Request instead of order.” “When you get a chance would you ……….?” 

 By following these 5 ingredients for connecting and persuading others you will build happier relationships.

 

 

 

Madeline Frank, Ph.D., is an Amazon.com Best Selling Author, speaker, business owner, teacher, John Maxwell Team Member, concert artist, and parent. She helps businesses and organizations "Tune Up their Business". Her observations show you the blue prints necessary to improve and keep your business successful. Her latest book "Leadership On A Shoestring Budget" is available everywhere books are sold. If you need a speaker or virtual speaker contact Madeline at: mfrankviola@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Road Trip by Madeline Frank, Ph.D.

Have you ever taken your family on a road trip? 

 

When our two children were ages 9 and 5, we packed up our purple Grand Voyager, and headed out on a 3 ½ hour trip to visit President Thomas Jefferson’s home, Monticello, in Charlottesville, VA. 

 

If you are older than 35, you recall a time when the term “road trip” meant more than simply typing an address into your phone and following turn-by-turn directions. 

 

It likely conjured up memories of deciphering large maps, using a highlighter to mark points of interest…and then struggling with the nearly impossible feat of folding the map back into its original shape. 

 

After what seemed like 6 hours of countless “are we there yet?” questions from the back seat, we rounded the corner of Thomas Jefferson’s manicured estate…Monticello. 

 

Our tour guide was an expert on all things related to President Jefferson. He knew all about his life, his work, and his passions. He showed us many fascinating features of the property, as well as some hidden gems we hadn’t thought about. He wanted us to gain the most from our visit. 

 

Our guide showed us President Jefferson’s beautiful architecture of his home, that he designed and built, his many inventions like the dumbwaiter, macaroni making machine, the crops he grew in his garden to eat and sell, his ice house, his library, and how his family cooked and lived. It was a wonderful guided tour full of purpose and direction.

 

When we left there, my husband, Allan, and I were discussing how we would have enjoyed the visit if it were a self-guided tour; but the tour guide helped shed light on so much more than we could have imagined.  

 

Our family still carries fond memories of this road trip. Who are you taking on your “road trip” through life? Where are you going? What legacy do you want to leave? We are all leaving a legacy…whether we want to or not. Are you leaving one intentionally or by chance?

 

There will be detours along the way. Some will fuel your soul…others will test your resolve. You may even find yourself asking for directions. 

 

Whether you use paper maps, or rely on your phone to get you from point A to B…you must know where you currently are. Without that, directions are useless. 

 

Personal development pioneer, Zig Ziglar recounts a story of when he was traveling across the country, giving speeches for free. 

 

He began two hours early to make sure he would arrive a little early. He stopped for directions when he was lost. The person he asked drew a little map for him. He followed it and 45 minutes later he was further away from his destination. He then asked again and found his destination. Imagine if Zig Ziglar had given up after the first time.

 

When Zig Ziglar was going in the wrong direction and was again lost, he didn’t have a meltdown. Instead he asked again, and then again for directions until he found his destination.

 

How often do you check in with your goals to see if you are on track?

 

Are you willing to pivot when needed to change your destination?

 

Living a successful life is like a wheel.  Imagine your car wheel having 7 spokes.

 

For this exercise, grab a sheet of paper and draw a small circle with 7 spokes leading away from it with 10 marks on the line. 1 is closest to the center, 10 is at the outer edge.  

 

The First Spoke of your Wheel is the Mental spoke of your wheel: 

 

Do you find yourself focusing on where you are going, or spend most of your time thinking about the “good old days”?

 

Do you read, listen to audios, and watch videos that help you stretch mentally?

 

Rate yourself from 1 to 10. (10 is the top).

 

2. Financial Spoke: Financially how are you doing?

Do you have a goal for income, spending, saving? 

Do you tell your money where to go by using a budget, or do you get to the end of the month and wonder where your money went?  

Do you have insurance? Do you have an emergency fund?

Rate yourself 1 to 10. No one sees this but you!

 

3. Spiritual: 

Do you feel connected to a higher power? Do you feel like you are fulfilling plans for a magnificent future? Are you living life on virtues?

Rate yourself 1 to 10.

 

4. Career/Professional: What are you doing to grow your stack of skills that will make you more marketable in the future? (If you are raising small children, that is more than a full time job, but you still need to grow in your skills as a parent). 

A year from now is this where you want to be?

How is your attitude, effort, and skill?

Rate yourself 1 to 10.

 

5. Personal Life: 

How are you taking care of yourself? 

Do you make time to relax and rejuvenate, or are you constantly running from one thing to the next?

 

What hobbies bring you joy? (You may realize that you got away from doing things that brought you joy when life became busy. Pick up that guitar, paintbrush, or whatever else refreshes your soul. )

 Rate yourself 1 to 10.

 

6. Physical:

Do you get 7 hours of sleep each night? Do you fuel your body with real food, or do you cook out of a box? Do you drink enough water?

Are you working out?

Rate yourself 1 to 10.

 

7. Family:

Do you have good relationships with your family? Where do you feel you accel, and what do you need to work on? Most problems in any relationship are rooted in communication (or a lack thereof). It is easy to blame others…but you can’t change others. Own the situation and sharpen your communication skills. 

Rate yourself 1 to 10.

 

Connect the dots. Does your diagram resemble a wheel, or does it look uneven?

Despite everyone wanting to show the world that they are perfect, we all realize that each of the areas in our lives are in constant transition. The outer edges of your circle have high points and low points. 

 

You may be able to maneuver with a flat tire at 5 mph in a parking lot. What happens if you pull onto the highway of life? Things likely spin out of control.

 

Which of the 7 spokes of your wheel needs attention?

 

What is one thing you can do to improve the measure of that one spoke every day for the next 10 days? You will be amazed by the improvement that every day action steps can make!

 

There is a cost to leading a fulfilling life. There are only 24 hours in a day. 

 

There are quite a few parallels between this wheel of life and Benjamin Franklin’s 13 virtues. 

 

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9. MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

11. TRANQUILITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

 

How did Franklin acquire these virtues?

 

“My intention being to acquire the habitude of all these virtues, I judged it would be well not to distract my attention by attempting the whole at once,  but “to fix it on one of them at a time; and, when I should be master of that”, then to proceed to another, and so on, till I should have gone through’ the thirteen; and, as the previous acquisition of some might facilitate the acquisition of certain others, I arranged them with that view, as they stand above. Temperance first, as it tends to procure that coolness and clearness of head, which is so necessary where constant vigilance was to be kept up, and guard maintained against the unremitting attraction of ancient habits, and the force of perpetual temptations. This being acquired and established, Silence would be more easy; and my desire being to gain knowledge at the same time that I improved in virtue, and considering that in conversation it was obtained rather by the use of the ears than of the tongue, and therefore wishing to break a habit I was getting into of prattling, punning, and joking, which only made me acceptable to trifling company, I gave Silence the second place.”

 

 This is exactly the way to repair each spoke of your wheel step by step like Benjamin Franklin mastered each of the 13 virtues!

 

 So, what steps will you write down to repair the spoke of your wheel of life that needs attention?

 

 

 

 

Madeline Frank, Ph.D. is an Amazon.com  Best Selling Author, speaker, Radio Show host, business owner, teacher, concert artist, and parent. She helps businesses and organizations “Tune Up their Business”. Her observations show you the blue prints necessary to improve and keep your business successful. Her latest book “Leadership On A Shoestring Budget” is available everywhere books are sold. To contact Madeline for your next speaking engagement or coaching at mfrankviola@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LET THE EXPERTS TEACH YOU HOW TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS by Madeline Frank, Ph.D.

 

Dale Carnegie: “Galen Litchfield-a man I have known for several years; one of the most successful American business men in the Far East. Mr. Litchfield was in China in 1942, when the Japanese invaded Shanghai. And here is his story as he told it to me while a guest in my home:”

 

“Shortly after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor”, Galen Litchfield began, “they came swarming into Shanghai. I was the manager of the Asia Life Insurance Company in Shanghai. They sent us an ‘army liquidator’-he was really an admiral- and gave me orders to assist this man in liquidating our assets. I didn’t have any choice in the matter. I could cooperate-or else. And the ‘or else’ was certain death.”

 

“I went through the motions of doing what I was told, because I had no alternative. But there was one block of securities, worth $750,000, which I left off the list I gave to the admiral. I left that block of securities off the list because they belonged to our Hong Kong organization and had nothing to do with the Shanghai assets. All the same, I feared I might be in hot water if the Japanese found out what I had done. And they soon found out.”

 

“I wasn’t in the office when the discovery was made, but my head accountant was there. He told me that the Japanese admiral flew into a rage, and stamped and swore, and called me a thief and a traitor! I had defied the Japanese Army! I knew what that meant. I would be thrown into the Bridge house!”

 

“The Bridge House! The torture chamber of the Japanese Gestapo! I had had personal friends who had killed themselves rather than be taken to that prison. I had had other friends who had died in that place after ten days of questioning and torture. Now I was slated for the Bridge house myself!”

 

“What did I do? I heard the news on Sunday afternoon. I suppose I should have been terrified. And I would have been terrified if I hadn’t had a definite technique for solving my problems. For years, whenever I was worried I had always gone to my typewriter and written down two questions-and the answers to these questions:" 

“1. What am I worrying about?”       

“2. What can I do about it?” 

 

“I used to try to answer those questions without writing them down. But I stopped that years ago. I found that writing down both the questions and the answers clarifies my thinking.  So, that Sunday afternoon, I went directly to my room at the Shanghai Y.M.C.A. and got out my typewriter. 

I wrote: 

1. What am I worrying about? 

“I am afraid I will be thrown into the Bridge house tomorrow morning.”

Then I typed out the second question:     

2. “What can I do about it?”

“I spent hours thinking out and writing down the four courses of action I could take-and what the probable consequence of each action would be.”

 

“1. I can try to explain to the Japanese admiral. But he doesn’t speak English. If I try to explain to him through an interpreter, I may stir him up again. That might mean death, for he is cruel, would rather dump me in the Bridge house than bother talking about it.”

 

“2. I can try to escape. Impossible. They keep track of me all the time. I have to check in and out of my room at the YMCA. If I try to escape, I’ll probably be captured and shot.” 

 

“3. I can stay here in my room and not go near the office again. If I do, the Japanese admiral will be suspicious, will probably send soldiers to get me and throw me into the Bridge-house without giving me a chance to say a word.” 

 

“4. I can go down to the office as usual on Monday morning. If I do, there is a chance that the Japanese admiral may be so busy that he will not think of what I did. Even if he does think of it, he may have cooled off and may not bother me. If this happens, I am all right. Even if he does bother me, I’ll still have a chance to try to explain to him. So, going down to the office as usual on Monday morning, and acting as if nothing had gone wrong gives me two chances to escape the Bridge-house.”

 

“As soon as I thought it all out and decided to accept the fourth plan-to go down to the office as usual on Monday morning-I felt immensely relieved.”

 

“When I entered the office the next morning, the Japanese admiral sat there with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. He glared at me as he always did; and said nothing. Six weeks later-thank God-he went back to Tokyo and my worries were over.” 

 

 “As I have already said, I probably saved my life by sitting down that Sunday afternoon and writing out all the various steps I could take and then writing down the probable consequences of each step and calmly coming to a decision. If I hadn’t done that, I might have floundered and hesitated and done the wrong thing on the spur of the moment. If I hadn’t thought out my problem and come to a decision, I would have been frantic with worry all Sunday afternoon. I wouldn’t have slept that night. I would have gone down to the office Monday morning with a harassed and worried look; and that alone might have aroused the suspicion of the Japanese admiral and spurred him to act.”

 

“Experience has proved to me, time after time, the enormous value of arriving at a decision. It is the failure to arrive at a fixed purpose, the inability to stop going round and round in maddening circles, that drives men to nervous breakdowns and living hells. I find that fifty percent of my worries vanish once I arrive at a clear, definite decision; and another forty per cent usually vanishes once I start to carry out that decision. “

 

“So, I banish about 90% of my worries by taking these four steps:” 

“1. Writing down precisely what I am worrying about.”     

“2. Writing down what I can do about it.”     

“3. Deciding what to do.”       

“4. Starting immediately to carry out that decision.” 

 

Dale Carnegie: “Galen Litchfield became the Far Eastern Director for Starr, Park and Freeman, Inc., representing large insurance and financial interests. This made him one of the most important American businessmen in Asia; and he confesses to me that he owes a large part of his success to this method of analyzing worry and meeting it head-on.” 

 

Dale Carnegie: “Why is his method so superb? Because it is efficient, concrete, and goes directly to the heart of the problem. On top of all that, it is climaxed by the third and indispensable rule: Do something about it.   Unless we carry out our action, all our fact-finding and analysis is whistling upwind-it’s a sheer waste of energy. “ (From Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, pp.37-40.)

 

Elon Musk in 2002 “began his quest to send the first rocket to Mars.” (Space X) The cost of purchasing a Rocket was 55 Million dollars.

 

Elon Musk used First principle thinking to solve this cost problem. 

 

First Principle:

“Identify the problem. Break things down into smaller parts.  Then look at each part individually, each component. Look outside your product category for a part or piece that can be imported. Combine the parts to create something new according to desired outcome. First Principle thinking.” (Story from Darren Hardy)

 

Elon Musk: “What’s a rocket made of?”

 

“Aerospace – grade aluminum alloys, plus some titanium, copper, and carbon fiber.”

“Then I asked, what is the value of those materials on the commodity market? It turned out that the materials cost of a rocket was around two percent of the typical price.” 

 

Step by step he built his own rocket better and cheaper.

 

When evaluating an entire project, the costs may seem like they are set in stone, however, when you break things down into bite-sized pieces, they can be more manageable. 

 

For example: 

Problem: My car makes a grinding sound when braking. 

 

Total solution: replacing brakes, pads, rotors, whole assembly. Cost: $1000. 

 

Individual solution: 

Most times replacing brake pads is sufficient. Cost $200. 

 

Reducing challenges into bite-sized chunks is not only a great recipe for cost reduction; it is a fantastic way to remove friction from your customer experience. 

 

 By asking himself questions he solved his problem and built a new rocket from the ground up.  

 

How do you solve your problems?

 

What steps do you take? 

 

What are the 4 steps experts Galen Litchfield, Dale Carnegie, and Elon Musk use to solve their problems?

 

1)    Calm down. Then clearly write down the problem. Charles Kettering, American inventor, engineer, and businessman said, “A problem well stated is a problem half solved.”

      2) Write down in order “all the facts”.

      3) “Analyze them and interpret them”.

      4) ” Then make a decision and take action.”

 

By following these four steps you will be able to solve your problems.

 

 

Madeline Frank, Ph.D., is an Amazon.com Best Selling Author, speaker, business owner, teacher, concert artist, and parent. She helps businesses and organizations “Tune Up their Business”. Her observations show you the blue prints necessary to improve and keep your business successful. Her latest book “Leadership On A Shoestring Budget” is available everywhere books are sold. If you need a speaker or virtual speaker contact Madeline at: mfrankviola@gmail.com