It might not be the highest point of the world but it seemed like it while the roofer was holding me up for more money.
Have you ever had to deal with a person who was toxic and difficult on one of your jobs?
I have had the pleasure of working with the best conductors and musicians around the world as you have read in my last article. In my families Construction and Management company I have had the privilege of working with some of the finest roofers, plumbers, electricians, carpenters, brick layers, and other construction personnel for over 20 years. All roofs are supposed to keep us dry in our houses and offices.
I arrived at our job site to inspect and video the progress of the new flat roofs on the buildings we own and manage. The ladder was set up and I climbed up to the first roof with my video camera to record the progress of the first roof.
I should mention that I am a woman, 5 foot 11 inches tall, and weigh 140 pounds. After arriving on the roof, I started to video the progress of the new flat roof when I realized there were bubbles and gaps in the roof. Meanwhile the roofer, a lean linebacker type, was coming my way. I knew he was stronger than me and could easily throw me off the roof in anger.
He said, “I need $3,000 right this minute”! He tried to threaten me by moving me to the edge of the roof. He was so angry! I remained calm, looked him in the eye and reminded him he had received his payment three days ago and that he needed to fix the gapes and bubbles in the membrane so he could receive more money.
I explained I did not carry that amount of money with me as there was no ATM on the roof. I continued to remain calm and looking him in the eye and did not turn my back to him. Eventually he moved away and I moved to another section of the roof and decided to photograph the progress of the other roofs this roofer was not working on at that moment. The roofer knew who I was and had decided he would try to frighten me.
Every few days I would return to check the progress of the roofs and video them. When the roofs were finally completed we breathed a sigh of relief.
What are the 3 secrets I learned about dealing with toxic people in a difficult situation?
1) Look the person in the eye. Always remain calm. Let the difficult person vent. Listen carefully to them without interrupting and do not argue with them - simply listen. When they have finished speaking do not judge or accuse them.
2) Remember, you are not anyone’s personal door mat to be personally bullied. Suggest solutions and the steps for solving the problem. Remember to follow through on the solutions you have agreed on.
3) Realize you cannot solve every problem.
by Dr. Madeline Frank
Madeline Frank, Ph.D. business owner, teacher, researcher, speaker and concert artist. She writes a monthly newsletter "Madeline's Monthly Article & Musical Tips" and a monthly radio show "Madeline's One Minute Musical Radio Show". If you need a speaker contact Madeline at mfrankviola@gmail.com
Showing posts with label dealing with difficult and toxic people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dealing with difficult and toxic people. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
How to deal with difficult and toxic people at work and at home!
Have you ever met anyone who was always mean and nasty no matter what? Have you ever had to deal with a person who was toxic and difficult?
Toxic people have many of the following traits: unhappiness, loneliness, depression, jealousy, and low self-esteem. Their way of coping is to be overbearing, controlling, and bossy to anyone nearby.
I have had the privilege of working with the finest Conductors in the world as a musician. When I arrived on tour in a new City the visiting foreign Conductor asked me the following three questions before the first rehearsal: “You are not French? You are a woman? You are an American?”
I looked him in the eye and replied calmly and politely to each question. “No I am not French. Yes, I am a woman and yes, I am an American.”
I realized at that moment that the guest conductor did not like women from America. At rehearsals he spoke to the orchestra musicians in a toxic manner and I actually saw the musicians cringe. His tone of voice said it all. He spoke to me in English and I felt no warmth coming from this man. I realized I had finally met my “Waterloo”.
He wanted complete control of the interpretation of the Concerto I was playing, even though he told me he had never conducted it before. I had played this Concerto many times before with marvelous warm hearted conductors.
The orchestra was a very talented one and the principal cellist, a woman, smiled encouragingly at me when the conductor was being his usual toxic self at a rehearsal one day. Her smile said, “take heart everything will be fine just do your best.”
I knew as a visitor to a foreign country I needed to be polite, calm and careful. I listened to the Conductor’s suggestions and did my best to satisfy him during rehearsals. He wanted things done his way. I knew on the day of the concert he would have to follow me and he would not be able to be difficult and toxic in front of an audience.
The concert went very well and the orchestra and I were all smiling at the audience. The audience gave me a standing ovation and three vases of roses were brought up after our performance. At that moment I felt totally free of the toxic conductor and decided immediately to play three encores for the audience and bring them a few more minutes of beautiful music. The three selections were Massenet’s “Meditation from Thais”, Lehar’s “Waltz” and “Autumn Leaves”.
The Conductor’s expression was not a happy one as he was no longer in control of the situation. To me sharing music should always be a joyful experience.
What are the 3 secrets I learned about dealing with toxic and difficult people?
1) Look the person in the eye. Always remain calm, show respect to the toxic person, and insist on respect in return. When you remain calm the angry toxic person will be neutralized.
2) Remember, you are not any ones personal door mat to be personally bullied. Walk away when you are being verbally abused.
3) Let the difficult toxic person vent. Listen carefully to them without interrupting and do not argue with them - simply listen. When they have finished speaking do not judge or accuse them. Suggest solutions and the steps for solving the problem. Remember to follow through on the solutions you have agreed on.
by Dr. Madeline Frank
Madeline Frank, Ph.D. business owner, teacher, researcher, speaker and concert artist. She writes a monthly newsletter "Madeline's Monthly Article & Musical Tips" and a monthly radio show "Madeline's One Minute Musical Radio Show".
If you need a speaker contact Madeline at mfrankviola@gmail.com
http://www.madelinefrankviola.com/
http://ezinearticles.com/?id=3217661
Toxic people have many of the following traits: unhappiness, loneliness, depression, jealousy, and low self-esteem. Their way of coping is to be overbearing, controlling, and bossy to anyone nearby.
I have had the privilege of working with the finest Conductors in the world as a musician. When I arrived on tour in a new City the visiting foreign Conductor asked me the following three questions before the first rehearsal: “You are not French? You are a woman? You are an American?”
I looked him in the eye and replied calmly and politely to each question. “No I am not French. Yes, I am a woman and yes, I am an American.”
I realized at that moment that the guest conductor did not like women from America. At rehearsals he spoke to the orchestra musicians in a toxic manner and I actually saw the musicians cringe. His tone of voice said it all. He spoke to me in English and I felt no warmth coming from this man. I realized I had finally met my “Waterloo”.
He wanted complete control of the interpretation of the Concerto I was playing, even though he told me he had never conducted it before. I had played this Concerto many times before with marvelous warm hearted conductors.
The orchestra was a very talented one and the principal cellist, a woman, smiled encouragingly at me when the conductor was being his usual toxic self at a rehearsal one day. Her smile said, “take heart everything will be fine just do your best.”
I knew as a visitor to a foreign country I needed to be polite, calm and careful. I listened to the Conductor’s suggestions and did my best to satisfy him during rehearsals. He wanted things done his way. I knew on the day of the concert he would have to follow me and he would not be able to be difficult and toxic in front of an audience.
The concert went very well and the orchestra and I were all smiling at the audience. The audience gave me a standing ovation and three vases of roses were brought up after our performance. At that moment I felt totally free of the toxic conductor and decided immediately to play three encores for the audience and bring them a few more minutes of beautiful music. The three selections were Massenet’s “Meditation from Thais”, Lehar’s “Waltz” and “Autumn Leaves”.
The Conductor’s expression was not a happy one as he was no longer in control of the situation. To me sharing music should always be a joyful experience.
What are the 3 secrets I learned about dealing with toxic and difficult people?
1) Look the person in the eye. Always remain calm, show respect to the toxic person, and insist on respect in return. When you remain calm the angry toxic person will be neutralized.
2) Remember, you are not any ones personal door mat to be personally bullied. Walk away when you are being verbally abused.
3) Let the difficult toxic person vent. Listen carefully to them without interrupting and do not argue with them - simply listen. When they have finished speaking do not judge or accuse them. Suggest solutions and the steps for solving the problem. Remember to follow through on the solutions you have agreed on.
by Dr. Madeline Frank
Madeline Frank, Ph.D. business owner, teacher, researcher, speaker and concert artist. She writes a monthly newsletter "Madeline's Monthly Article & Musical Tips" and a monthly radio show "Madeline's One Minute Musical Radio Show".
If you need a speaker contact Madeline at mfrankviola@gmail.com
http://www.madelinefrankviola.com/
http://ezinearticles.com/?id=3217661
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About Me
- Madeline
- Madeline Frank, Ph.D. business owner, teacher, researcher, speaker and concert artist. She writes a monthly newsletter "Madeline's Monthly Article & Musical Tips" and a monthly radio show "Madeline's One Minute Musical Radio Show".