How to deal with difficult and toxic people at work and at home!

Have you ever met anyone who was always mean and nasty no matter what? Have you ever had to deal with a person who was toxic and difficult?

Toxic people have many of the following traits: unhappiness, loneliness, depression, jealousy, and low self-esteem. Their way of coping is to be overbearing, controlling, and bossy to anyone nearby.


I have had the privilege of working with the finest Conductors in the world as a musician. When I arrived on tour in a new City the visiting foreign Conductor asked me the following three questions before the first rehearsal: “You are not French? You are a woman? You are an American?”

I looked him in the eye and replied calmly and politely to each question. “No I am not French. Yes, I am a woman and yes, I am an American.”


I realized at that moment that the guest conductor did not like women from America. At rehearsals he spoke to the orchestra musicians in a toxic manner and I actually saw the musicians cringe. His tone of voice said it all. He spoke to me in English and I felt no warmth coming from this man. I realized I had finally met my “Waterloo”.

He wanted complete control of the interpretation of the Concerto I was playing, even though he told me he had never conducted it before. I had played this Concerto many times before with marvelous warm hearted conductors.

The orchestra was a very talented one and the principal cellist, a woman, smiled encouragingly at me when the conductor was being his usual toxic self at a rehearsal one day. Her smile said, “take heart everything will be fine just do your best.”

I knew as a visitor to a foreign country I needed to be polite, calm and careful. I listened to the Conductor’s suggestions and did my best to satisfy him during rehearsals. He wanted things done his way. I knew on the day of the concert he would have to follow me and he would not be able to be difficult and toxic in front of an audience.

The concert went very well and the orchestra and I were all smiling at the audience. The audience gave me a standing ovation and three vases of roses were brought up after our performance. At that moment I felt totally free of the toxic conductor and decided immediately to play three encores for the audience and bring them a few more minutes of beautiful music. The three selections were Massenet’s “Meditation from Thais”, Lehar’s “Waltz” and “Autumn Leaves”.

The Conductor’s expression was not a happy one as he was no longer in control of the situation. To me sharing music should always be a joyful experience.

What are the 3 secrets I learned about dealing with toxic and difficult people?

1) Look the person in the eye. Always remain calm, show respect to the toxic person, and insist on respect in return. When you remain calm the angry toxic person will be neutralized.

2) Remember, you are not any ones personal door mat to be personally bullied. Walk away when you are being verbally abused.

3) Let the difficult toxic person vent. Listen carefully to them without interrupting and do not argue with them - simply listen. When they have finished speaking do not judge or accuse them. Suggest solutions and the steps for solving the problem. Remember to follow through on the solutions you have agreed on.



by Dr. Madeline Frank

Madeline Frank, Ph.D. business owner, teacher, researcher, speaker and concert artist. She writes a monthly newsletter "Madeline's Monthly Article & Musical Tips" and a monthly radio show "Madeline's One Minute Musical Radio Show".


If you need a speaker contact Madeline at mfrankviola@gmail.com


http://www.madelinefrankviola.com/


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